A View of the Valley

by Linda Schwanke Why do birds poop sideways? Or more like, how? We have pretty wide side soffits on our house but there is poop on the kitchen window on a routine basis. The sunroom has a series of huge windows. We have a canopy set up on the patio up against them – with pool noodles on the struts for safety – and birds somehow manage to poop on those windows. How did it get there? If it was small poop like from the finches and sparrows that nest all over the yard, it would be easier to figure out but they are huge. Getting under the canopy to get the windows clean makes me contort in ways I was never intended to contort. I’d leave the windows alone but it drives me a little crazy. And I feel like the birds are malicious in their intent – screw that window in particular – so I want to send them a message that I am not going to let them get away with pooping sideways on my windows. Bird poop doesn’t lessen my enjoyment of birds. Birds are fascinating. The possibility that they descended from dinosaurs, specifically theropods apparently, is an ongoing source of interest to me. The emu, which one can find on farms and in zoos around here, are capable of being pretty nasty and it’s easy to believe their ancestors were dinosaurs. At the Oschner Park Zoo in Baraboo, the emus are always on the prowl and you get the feeling they’d happily attack you if they got the chance. (If you’ve never visited, Oschner Park is one of Sauk County’s treasures. I know it’s not in the Valley but that’s it’s only flaw. It’s worth a visit.) When Gwen worked at the zoo in Scottsbluff, Nebraska, there were peacocks wandering the grounds. One male decided that the soda machine was his mortal enemy and attacked it daily. The keepers tried everything they could think of to stop him but he kept getting more aggressive toward the thing. One day he caught his toe in it, eventually losing the fight and the toe. After being put on R&R for a time, he went right back at that soda machine. Peacocks are not the brightest crayons in the box. Good thing they’re so beautiful. Not to be whatever the opposite of a chauvinist is (google says it is misandrist), but it doesn’t come as a huge surprise that the male peacock is the beautiful, crazy one. In nature, males have to be both beautiful and a little crazy to attract mates to pass on their genes. Driven by the need to have babies, the stress alone would make anyone a little crazy. Not so much in people, right? There’s lots of beautiful men, true, and sometimes life makes them a little crazy. Male humans, driven by the same biological imperative, are by and large, just trying to get by and have kids to carry on their lines. When men have kids, they, obviously, become dads. As some kind of adaptation to successfully having kids, it seems like, instead of attacking soda machines or pooping sideways on windows, human men, especially dads, tell dumb jokes. Dad jokes have become a running thing on the internet and it’s funny because it is so true. Here, as a salute of sorts to all the dads I know, and not to upstage in any way Bob Charley, the Home News jokster (a man, of course :) are a few of my favorite dad jokes from one of my favorite funny websites, boredpanda.com: Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian. My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right. Dad: I was just listening to the radio on my way in to town, apparently an actress just killed herself. Mom: Oh my! Who! Dad: Uh, I can’t remember... I think her name was Reese something? Mom: WITHERSPOON!!!!!??????? Dad: No, it was with a knife... Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest? I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down! I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know What is the least spoken language in the world? Sign language My daughter screeched, “Daaaaaad, you haven’t listened to one word I’ve said, have you!?” What a strange way to start a conversation with me... A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas. These are the pie rates of the Caribbean. My friend keeps saying “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.” I know he means well. The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. Cashier: “Would you like the milk in a bag, sir?” Dad: “No, just leave it in the carton!’” What do you call a dog that can do magic? A Labracadabrador. How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten-tickles. Happy Father’s Day. Grill out, relax and enjoy your family and, most of all, tell jokes.  We have early deadlines coming up for the 4th of July. The deadline for news for the July 6 issue is Friday, July 1. All other deadlines move up 24 hours. Stay in touch. My phone number is (608) 574-3159 – call or text me anytime. You can also email me at homenewseditor@newspubinc.com